The Shadow of Love
by Missladuree
Summary: Blair's world is turned upside down on NYE and the only person who could ever understand is the person who had broken her heart. Could something she thought had been lost forever be refound in the face of tragedy? And can Chuck finally prove his worth? au
1. A New Year

AN: Hey guys just a quick note to set the scene here, Eleanor and Harold are still married therefore there is no Cyrus (even though we all love him) or Roman in the picture. I havn't written any fanfiction since the Harry Potter golden age so please don't mind if I'm a little rough around the edges.

* * *

"Merry Christmas Daddy" Blair wrapped her arms around her father, holding him tight whilst breathing in the familiar scent that was weaved into his cardigan reminding her of old times. He had greyed and developed a few wrinkles since then but he still hadn't changed in character.

"Oh merry Christmas to you too Blair, I love you so much." Harold replied brushing his hands over Blair's chocolate brown curls. She was so beautiful and he couldn't be more proud of what she had become, a real fine young lady.

The room was immaculately decorated for the season. Gold and bronze baubles glistened from the 15 foot high Christmas tree. Cider scented candles lit up the room and a fire crackled obediently in the corner. Judy Garland could also be heard singing Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas in the background. Blair couldn't have been happier, she was in Paris with her family and it was Christmas. Furthermore to add to the greatness of everything, her parents had only just informed her that would be living in Paris from here on out so Blair had the penthouse to herself.

Eleanore busied herself in the kitchen making some tea while Blair and Harold began clearing up the wrapping paper discarded on the floor. "Did Charles wish you a merry Christmas yet, darling?"

Blair's stomach tightened at the sound of his name and hated herself for it. "We don't talk much anymore. Things didn't go so well this year for us, I guess." Harold looked disappointed but Blair didn't want to discuss the matter any further. "Besides, I don't think Chuck even believes in Christmas." Blair rolled her eyes and excused herself to her room. She threw herself onto the king bed in her room, crinkling the lavender silk sheets as she checked her phone. Messages from Serena, Nate and a couple of randoms flashed topped off with the annual Christmas message from Gossip Girl. Nothing from Chuck. Of course, what more did she expect? He had hurt her and she had done the same in return. She'd give anything to go back and make it better, make it right but what was done was done. Blair repeated in her head that she didn't need him, like she had done for months now. In a way it was becoming a mantra. Chuck brought no good into her life only hurt and pain. Blair shook the thoughts out of her head and replied to the messages in high spirits, not caring to send one to Chuck. He probably had his alcohol and some sleazy girl dressed up as "Santa's little helper" this Christmas so he also, did not need Blair.

* * *

Serena checked her phone after hearing it beep. She smiled at the message from Blair.

_Joyeux Noël S! I hope everything is fabulous at home and that Santa was generous. Paris is amazing as always, can't wait to get home and celebrate NYE together! Let's make next year the best one yet with no boy drama and tragedies xo B._

Serena looked across the table at Chuck. He was there celebrating Christmas with the Van der Woodsens this year. Lily had insisted as he had no one at home and there was no way he would celebrate Christmas with Jack, the man that had lead Chuck into so much trouble. He wore the usual dark suit and tie ensemble with matching dark circles under his eyes, evidence of little sleep. Poor Blair had gone through hell and back trying to hold onto him, trying to make amends. He had hurt her through coming home drunk and proving over and over how irresponsible he was. Blair had simply retaliated. Anybody would. Finally, a couple of months ago, as summer finished, so did they.

"Blair's having a great time in Paris" Serena declared to the table. Everybody smiled, except chuck who took a rather large sip of whisky instead. How he was drinking something so heavy at this time Serena could not comprehend. It was just after noon and they were having the traditional Christmas Day lunch with the whole family. Dan sat next to Serena talking to his Dad about NYU. Rufus had the head seat at the table with Lily glowing to his left with Eric next to her and Chuck next to Eric. Jenny sat at the bottom end of the table next to Serena clearly looking calmer than usual since Blair was out of town. The power struggle between her and Blair this year was intense and the less she saw of Blair the better life was.

"When will she be back?" Lily asked with half interest.

"In a couple of days. She's coming home alone while Eleanor and Harold fly to London for New Years."

"How lovely" Serena immediately picked up that no one at the table really cared about Blair. Dan simply played nice, Eric, he was just so-so, Jenny was scared of her and Chuck… well. Lily and Rufus were so caught up in their own lives that they didn't care but showed polite interest, as always. The wait staff cleared the table for dessert and Chuck excused himself with some petty reasoning. Serena thought about Blair's message and decided that she would help Blair forget about Chuck. She didn't need this immature person that was just bringing her down all the time. Chuck demonstrated quite clearly that he could not look after Blair the way a boyfriend should and he wasn't going to get another chance if Serena could help it.

* * *

He was angry, he didn't want to be, but when you're angry at yourself it's hard to turn it around. He walked through the foyer of the Empire. The Christmas decorations made him sick, the only reason they were up was because his publicist had insisted. People come here searching for the grand, classic New York white Christmas, she had said and Chuck had grudgingly agreed. The next day the lavish decorations adorned the foyer, Blair would have loved it. Upon entry he noticed two blondes sitting in one of the modern design sofas waving at him. The man at concierge informed Chuck they were a gift from his Uncle, Jack. Chuck smirked and walked over to the ladies. They stood up slowly caressing their slim thighs, Chuck looked them once over and handed them some useless cash and entered the elevator alone. He studied himself in the mirror of the elevator. He would love to say that the man that had sent him the women downstairs had created the mess that he had become. But he had walked down that road himself, if only he had listened to Blair and not Jack. The dark circles under his eyes had grown deeper as he lost sleep thinking over and over about what he had done to Blair. The person looking back at him was a selfish one who believed Blair would never leave. _Fool_, he thought in disgust. Chuck reached the penthouse and walked straight for the closet. Mindlessly he dug out a large carry-on and stuffed it with clothes and some necessities. He needed a break, a get away out of the city. A _strategic retreat_ as Blair would say. Within the hour Chuck was back in the elevator this time studying the floor instead of the too honest mirror.

"To the Helipad" He instructed Arthur and after one quick glance back at The Empire he was gone.

* * *

It was the day after Christmas and Blair farewelled her parents at Charles De Gaulle. It was always a little sad to leave Paris but she knew it probably wouldn't be long till she would be back to visit her parents. Eleanor gave her tight motherly hug and Blair just smiled sweetly back.

"I'll see you back in New York for fashion week." Blair's mother wiped a tear and kissed her on the cheek. Her little daughter had grown up so much, she still had trouble believing that Blair had graduated and no longer attended school.

"Ok, see you then, Mom." Blair waved goodbye and walked through the gates towards New York.

* * *

The city was still frigid and white in the days between Christmas and New Year's Eve. Blair was wrapped up in her warmest Burberry as she walked into the venue for the night's biggest party. It had been so hyped up and Blair genuinely had been excited. Her simple yet classy Oscar de la Renta cocktail dress would surely be one for the ages and her and Serena would party the night away in their Louboutins. However Blair's heart couldn't stop imagining what should have been instead of focusing on what was. She hadn't seen Chuck since she left for Paris and Serena had casually mentioned that no one else had seen him since Christmas. If she had tried better would her and Chuck be attending this party together? Would it be him that she would kiss at midnight? Blair snorted lightly at the thought. Last year they had kissed at midnight and look what that had brought them. They had kissed so unknowingly. Then he turned cold, no longer whole and Blair had nothing left. All thoughts were quickly diminished by Serena, who greeted Blair as she walked through the large baroque style doors into the party.

"Blair! I'm so glad you're here!" How could anybody be sad around Serena? She glowed and her happiness, especially on night like this, was contagious. The two best friends hugged then Blair removed her coat, handing it to the lady at the door. Serena smiled at Blair's dress, she always knew exactly what to wear and her hair and makeup never failed to compliment her best features. Blair picked up a glass of Dom Perignon as she passed the table and joined the crowd with Serena. Everybody looked so glamorous, a perfect place to welcome in the New Year with New York's elite.

"Hey Blair, how are you?" Blair looked towards the voice to see Nate. Dear Nate, he looked stunning, they could have made a great couple. Serena left her side leaving Nate and Blair alone.

"I'm great" Blair lied, "Fantastic in fact." She took a sip of her drink.

"Blair, you don't have to lie to me. We've been friends forever, dated for years, I know you." Nate said softly with genuine concern, he always had a way of getting the truth out of her. "You know, Chuck isn't coping very well either." Blair laughed almost triumphantly. The boy was suffering, good.

"I bet Chuck is fine, what, without my nagging. And I, I _am_ great. I no longer have to play babysitter for him."

"I know he regrets it. He loved you Blair and well, you just can't stop loving someone that fast. Chuck was a fool for the way he acted but he did love you."

"See Nate, you're talking in pretences. _Loved_ is usless, _did_ is pointless." Nate sighed, frowning at Blair.

"What would you do if he were here tonight and apologised?" Blair's heart began racing. Was this a hint? A warning? "Listen, Blair, I'm going to leave you alone for a while but please, know that through everything you did, he did, he loved you." Nate walked over to an old friend leaving Blair confused and feeling naked. She scanned the room but there was no sign of Chuck. Her stomach continued to tighten and she cursed herself for feeling so vulnerable. Chuck could pop out at any second and Blair wasn't sure if she was ready for that. What would she do? Well, she knew what she wanted to do. To kiss him again and then everything would magically be okay they would live a fairy-tale life in the penthouse of The Empire and everybody would be jealous.

A few hours passed and Nate, Serena, Dan and Blair had moved up onto the rooftop for the countdown. "A quick toast to new beginnings may the new year bring the best, and only the best!" Nate held up his glass and was soon joined by everyone else. The people down in the street began counting down. If Chuck were to be there he would show himself now. TEN! Serena and Dan began to get closer and rubbing their noses waiting for the big moment. SEVEN! Nate wrapped his arm around Blair. She smiled up at him and wrapped her arm around him. "Lets make this year the best yet" he whispered and Blair nodded. Chuck didn't deserve her best. FOUR! Blair felt her phone vibrate in the pocket of her coat but she chooses to ignore it. If it was Chuck he also didn't deserve this moment. "ONE! HAPPY NEW YEAR!" everybody shouted, Serena and Dan kissed like it was the last time while Blair and Nate had a quick peck on the lips. Their own special New Years had come and gone a long time ago. Everybody moved around hugging and smiling at the end of it all they moved back down to the party and Blair finished her final glass. Auld Lang Syne was being played in the background. Blair noted it as the same version of the Sex and the City movie and rolled her eyes as she began to farewell her friends.

"Must you go Blair?"

"Yes, Serena I must" She didn't _have_ to be anywhere, she just no longer wished to be there. She had had enough socialising for the night and ultimately she was disappointed. Why had she twisted Nate's words? She psyched herself up for nothing, only to be let down.

"Well, if you _must_. I'll call you tomorrow and we can meet up for dinner?"

"Sure." Blair kissed her friend on the cheek and left for what would be an extra long car ride home. After some time in the car Blair remembered to call her parents to wish them a happy new year. She reached for her phone and saw an influx of missed calls from unknown numbers. Her eyebrows rose in wonder as she dialled one of the foreign numbers back. The phone did not ring for as long as she had wished giving her no time to prepare.

"Hello this is Blair Waldorf." She spoke before the other person got a chance.

"Ah! Yes, Blair Waldorf," Blair noted a French accent, "My name is Pierre Amiens. I am terribly sorry to bother you but there has been an accident involving your parents." Blair's heart was caught in her throat. Pierre continued as Blair's world came crashing down.

* * *

The hangover from the night before was pounding. The hotel room was blurred as Chuck opened his eyes to find his phone. He had ignored the first call and the second but now the ringtone was just torture to his head. What ignorant person would be calling him now? He glanced at the clock on the wall, almost all celebrations in New York should be finished by now.

"Hello?" He answered shutting the curtains to cut out the blinding light.

"Chuck it's Nate…" Chuck made some nonchalant sound, a signal for his friend to carry on. "Blair's parents… Eleanor and Harold… They've been killed in plane crash, Chuck." Chuck wanted to ask if it was a joke but the tone of Nate's voice told him otherwise. "They had been on their way to London to celebrate New Year's with some friends…" Nate continued to list the pointless details and only then had Chuck realised he still had yet to say something so he asked the only real question he could think of.

"Where is Blair?"


	2. Memorial

AN; Hey guys, first off a huge thankyou to everyone who reviewed, favourited and alerted, you have all made me want to make this story the best it can be. With that, I hope I don't dissapoint and here is the next chapter :)

* * *

Her nightmare had invaded her reality. Somehow she had gone from the car to her room. She doesn't remember how. Her mouth tasted like vomit but she didn't remember vomiting. Her stomach lurched every minute. Every realisation. She could hear people downstairs and then her door open. "Miss Blair?" Dorota's voice quivered.

"Leave me alone, Dorota." Blair spoke in a dangerous voice, not bothering to turn and face Dorota.

"But Miss Blair you must -"

"GET OUT!" Blair shouted and the door was shut promptly. She felt numb, all she could hear now was her heart in her ears. Her lucky heart, still beating, unlike her parents'. The first sun of the year was beginning to rise, a sun her parents would never get to see. Blair covered her head with her blanket to cut out the light. This was not supposed to happen. She was not supposed to be an orphan.

Her eyes fluttered open and it was dark again. She had slept through the day. Or did the day even happen? Blair felt a mass in her throat and ran to the toilet. Surely there couldn't be much more left, she hadn't eaten for a while now. She flushed the vomit down and washed out her mouth. Looking into the mirror she saw a mess, a catastrophe, anything but Blair Waldorf. She didn't bother to shower or wash her face, what was the point? She slipped on her purple robe and tightned it at her small waist then breathed in the deepest breath she could muster and walked downstairs. Dorota was there and reached out to hold Blair.

"Don't touch me," Blair held out her hands and sighed, "please." Dorota nodded sadly and set up some toast for Blair in the kitchen. She noticed as she picked up a slice that her hands were shaking. It was hard to swallow, her throat was so constricted. Giving up after two bites Blair stared down at her plate, then at Dorota who had a tear stained face. Suddenly she realised Dorota was grieving too. "You can go home Dorota, you don't have to stay. Go home and be with Vanya and Anastasia." Blair spoke so softly it was almost a whisper.

"No, I stay with you, Miss Blair." Dorota stood her ground.

"Dorota… _Please_, go home." Blair looked her second mother straight in the eyes and finally she gave in, removed her apron and left. Blair was alone.

The sun rose again, like it had the day before, the only proof Blair had that the world was still moving. She felt someone nudge her and she pulled the sheets to cover her head once more. Why did people keep waking her? Didn't they know that in her dreams her parents were alive, why would they want her to live this tortured reality?

"Blair." It was Serena. Ohh happy Serena, the best friend that had two parents, actually three if you count papa Humphrey. "I know you don't want to talk. I've been trying to call you, everyone has."

"I don't know where my phone is." Blair mumbled from under the sheets.

"Blair, I'm going to tell you some things. You can stay under there if you want but please listen. They, um, you're parents' bodies could not be found. So there can't be a funeral as such but there will be a memorial held for them tomorrow. It would be great if you could come. You don't have to do anything." Serena rushed at the end. Blair absorbed the information. She felt sorry for her friend to have to tell her this, it shouldn't be her responsibility, Blair should be making these plans herself. She withdrew the covers. Serena sighed at the sight of Blair, her hair was an oily mess, her skin was pale and her eyes were sunken. Traces of makeup from the New Year's party were still on her face, the rest on her silk pillow. Something seemed strange to Serena, it appeared that Blair had not been crying.

"Thanks, S. Who is organising the memorial?" She asked pulling herself out of bed.

"Well Mum is the leader sort of thing, so if you had any questions…" Serena watched as Blair picked out todays outfit as if it were any other day and carried it into the bathroom.

"Can you wait here? I'd like to be part of the planning for this thing, they were my parents after all."

"Sure." Serena smiled weakly and waited for her friend. Half an hour into Blair's shower Serena heard the elevator doors downstairs open. She made her way down to see who it could be, expecting it to be just another florist delivery.

"Chuck, what are you doing here?" Blair did not need Chuck to be here right now.

"I'm here to see Blair." Chuck stated the obvious, glaring at Serena then over to the masses of flowers which filled Blair's sitting room.

"Well you can't. She doesn't need you anymore Chuck, so you can leave." Serena didn't move from her spot on the stairs and didn't plan to till Chuck had left but he was only moving forwards not backwards.

"I think if anyone were to understand Blair's position right now it would be me. I can help her. You, S, have no idea." Chuck wasn't going to let Serena stop him from getting to Blair. He had packed his bags and returned to New York immediately after his phone call with Nate. For the first time in a long time he had the urge to help, to really show his love to Blair and for the first time, he knew that she needed him.

"Chuck you can come to the memorial service tomorrow if you have to see her." She was beginning to grow frustrated. "But you should know this doesn't change the way you treated Blair last year. You would only add insult to injury if you were to enter her life again." Serena detected a hurt look on Chucks face but she had to protect Blair. Without another word Chuck turned around and left the penthouse to Serena's relief and she returned to the bedroom.

Finally Blair presented herself from her ensuite. She looked just like the old Blair but without one major accessory, her radiance. Blair adjusted her headband in the wall mirror and straightened out her dress, removing a stray white thread from her dark opaque stockings.

"Okay so should we go see Mom?" Serena asked passing Blair her coat and scarf.

"That would be great." Blair replied they walked down the stairs and she stopped in her tracks. She had never seen so many assortments of flowers in one place before. Every flower she could think of was there. They were so beautiful. She lifted a card off the centre table.

_Dearest Blair,_

_We are so sorry for your loss._

_Our deepest condolences,_

_Constance Billard School Committee. _

Blair rolled her eyes knowing every card would say the same thing though it did surprise her that even her old school had managed to send a card and flowers, along with the whole Upper East side it seemed. "These all need to be gone by the time we get back." Blair announced with no emotion in her voice. "Donate them to a church, or something." She waved her hands and continued to the elevator.

The outside light blinded her. The snow had disappeared leaving a muddy slush in its trace. The cold air stung Blair's lungs and her nervous shake grew as they reached the Van der Woodsens. Blair had seen no one else besides Dorota and Serena and she was growing more and more nervous about seeing other people. But she was Blair Waldorf and this is what she would keep telling herself to get through this. So she pulled back her shoulders and stood tall, she _was _a Waldorf and she would show no fear.

"My mother hates roses! Why are there roses here? Don't you realise how _common _they are!" Blair looked at the flowers in disgust. Her parents deserve only the best tomorrow and it was Blair's last chance to publicly show her love for them. "Orchids, white orchids, would be more suitable, don't you think?" Blair asked the staff at the venue. Once again it was night time and she had been running around all day correcting Lily's mistakes and ordering staff around. Finally after days of feeling out of control of every situation she was beginning to feel powerful again.

"Yes ma'am" A timid lady nodded and began to remove the roses. At least the venue was decent. It was a nice large spacious room with wall length windows looking out into the city skyline. The style of the room was rococo, one of Blair's favourites and soon it would be even better with white orchids. She channelled all her emotions and energy into making tomorrow the perfect day. The only thing left was to go home and find an outfit. Still, she hadn't decided whether she would say something at the event or not. Blair surveyed the room, finally content with what she saw she left the staff to do their final touches and headed out into the hallway. Dorota was waiting in the lobby for her and guided her Miss Blair into the limo outside. During the way home Blair couldn't help but be bothered by Dorota's continuous sniffling and tears. Why hadn't _she_ cried yet? Blair quickly dismissed the thought.

"I hope they get the orchids in on time. Tomorrow will be fabulous, Dorota, don't you worry." Blair tapped Dorota's shoulder reassuringly and she returned a weak sad smile. "Do you think I should wear that black Dior dress we brought for the new year's party that I never wore, or one of my mother's designs? Actually, you know what? I'm going to wear Mums last design, the black knee length with black Louboutins so then the red soles will stand out with the whole black attire." Dorota wiped away a tear and nodded, "Don't cry Dorota, it'll be okay. Oh! And I'll wear the new headband Daddy gave me for Christmas! We're here." Dorota and Blair glided out of the car and up to the penthouse. Blair fell asleep that night totally satisfied that she had control.

* * *

"_Come on, Chuck, what Blair doesn't know won't hurt her." Jack smiled cunningly. Chuck took one more shot before the 'exotic dancers' arrived. He had to get out, had to get back home. He was barely breathing and Jack was the wrong medication. The world spun as he stumbled into his home._

"_Chuck!" He saw Blair's look of repulsion, he'd done it again. "Chuck, what have you been doing!" Regret seared through his body. "I can't believe you've gone out and done this again!" _

"_You don't run a business, Blair," He spoke with a low voice of warning, he couldn't control his words, he didn't mean them but they kept coming out, "You have no idea."_

"_And neither do you. You are ruining everything, Chuck! Perhaps your father was right, perhaps you are a disappointment." Blair seethed. Chuck felt slapped by Blair's words, they cut to the core. _

"_I think now would be a good time for you to go home." Chuck stepped to the side allowing Blair room to pass._

"_I was already on my way. Goodnight Chuck." She walked past with her head held high without even looking at him the elevator doors closed and she as gone._

"_Goodnight Blair!"_

Chuck awoke startled; his breaths were short and quick. His mind cut to reality as he realised what today was, quickly he jumped out of bed and began to prepare, no time was to be wasted. He had thought about purchasing some peonies but then the scene in Blair's lounge room the day before had made him discard the idea. His mind lingered on the time when his father had died and how Blair was the only one who cared. He pushed her away so much then, now he expected Blair to do the same to him but he would be there, all the time, just like she was. It was a sick thought to think that perhaps he was just using this opportunity, this nightmare of Blair's, to get her back. But that's not how it was. If he had Blair back at the end of all this, great, but really he just wanted to help her and he knew he was the only one that could.

It was just past noon as Dorota walked into Blair's room to find Blair dressed and ready. "Evening Dorota, how do I look?" Blair's attitude was unnerving to Dorota, it wasn't right but she had known Blair long enough to know that this was all just a show and eventually there would have to be a grand finale.

"Miss Blair you are allowed to be sad, let your feelings out." Dorota informed, slightly afraid of Blair's response. However she just tilted her head and smiled lightly.

"Dorota, we have an event to attend, there's no time for feelings. I'm fine anyway, what's done is done. I have to grow up now" Blair shrugged as her words tore Dorota's heart. "So, are we ready?"

"Yes, Miss Blair, we are ready."

The room was full as Blair walked in and measured up the crowd. Everyone who was anyone was there. All her parents' work friends, old schools friends and fashion friends had made themselves present. Blair took her seat at one of the front tables with Dorota sitting next to her and not too long after Serena sat on Blair's other side and squeezed her hand with an encouraging smile.

"Aren't the orchids lovely Lily?" Blair asked innocently smiling at Lily across the table.

"Yes Blair, your parents would have loved them" Lily replied removing here dark oversized sunglasses and Blair smiled victoriously. The ceremony began with one of Harold's old school friends reflecting on when the couple met. Blair became bored of the man's monotone voice and picked up a memorial booklet. She turned the first page and saw a picture of her parents smiling back at her. She quickly closed the booklet as her stomach lurched, from then on she simply stared at the flower arrangement in the centre of the table. Then she stared at her lap, her hands, her dress, her mother's pearls which she wore and then there was something interesting on the skyline.

Chuck watched Blair from another table. He was sure she hadn't noticed him. Her head would pause facing different directions for a few minutes before changing. Her obvious discomfort pained him. So desperately did Chuck want to approach her, to talk to her once more, but this was not the place.

"I worked with Eleanor for twenty years…" The speaker had changed again and Blair was running out of other things to think of. It was all catching up; the people that made her into a woman were gone. Who would answer her questions? Who would provide that guaranteed love your parents have for you? And worse, she never got to say goodbye. Blair felt her throat tighten; she looked to Dorota, who was dabbing her eyes with a white embroidered handkerchief. Dorota had so many more memories to make with her daughter. Blair couldn't make anymore, no more Thanksgivings, no more Christmases, no more anything. The nostalgia was sharp and painful. Panic arose along with the till now absent tears. "Dorota," She whispered, "Don't come home tonight, go straight to Anastasia okay?" Dorota glanced at a trembling Blair and nodded knowing exactly what Blair was about to do. "Don't follow me" She whispered then to Serena who looked at her confused. Abruptly she stood up and hurried out. Serena went to get up after her anyway but Dan caught her hand motioning her to sit back down. Chuck reached for Blair's arm as she walked past his seat but she pulled it away. Blair slammed the elevator button over and over but it was taking too long so she went for the steps. Without feeling anything she ran down the steps, through the lobby and out to the town car. "Take me home now." She demanded upon entry. She breathed so quickly, the world was spinning, she wanted to faint but she also wanted to vomit. All sense of security and protection was gone. It was becoming harder and harder to breathe, the elevator ride up to the once warm family warm, known as the _Waldorf's,_ was becoming claustrophobic. Her mind was closing in on her everything seemed to be so loud but in reality there wasn't even a sound. She walked into the house and didn't bother to turn on the lights, leaving the room pitch black as the winter sun had set.

"_Oh Merry Christmas to you too Blair, I love you so much…"_

"_I'm so proud of you darling"_

"_Blair come over here and try on this dress, I want to see how it sits."_

"_One day, Blair, you too will get your very own fairy-tale ending and be the Queen of New York but you'll always be my little girl, you know that right?"_

"_I made your favourite pumpkin pie, sweetheart!"_

Their faces and voices closed in on her as she allowed herself to collapse on the bottom step. She cried as loud as she could, trying to get all the emotions out, to be rid of the pain. "Why?" She repeated over and over banging the cold marble step with her fist, her whole body shaking, her muscles tensing with anger. They were gone, gone.

"_We'll always be here for you Blair bear."_

She just wanted to hold her mum one more time, to breath in her father's warm scent. The memory of them was still so fresh in her mind it was like they would turn up any moment. She could still fell her mother's touch and her father's tight comforting hugs. They were so close yet still so far, so, so far. Images of past times morphed into Blair's imagination of the plane crash, her mother screaming, her father holding his wife tight, pain and then nothing. Did they think of her? Did they even feel pain?

Finally it stopped. There were no more voices, no more loud sobs on her behalf. The room was dark, still and silent. Blair looked into the nothingness, barely breathing and hardly blinking. Her throat burned and her eyes stung. It was as if someone had hit the pause button on her life.

The elevator chimed and a silhouette walked slowly into the room. Blair didn't bother to pull her head off the third step to see who it was, her face felt like it was stuck there by a mesh of tears, hair and skin. If it were a murderer, who just entered, at least she would soon be with her parents. She had no will to live anymore. She just continued to face forward, staring into the darkness and listened as the slow footsteps grew louder and closer. The person crouched down in front of Blair and picked her up bridal style. She knew immediately who it was from his touch, his smell, the way he held her close to his body and the way he kissed the top of her head.

"Let's go home Blair." Chuck whispered with a deep reassuring voice and Blair nodded into his chest. She no longer wanted to be in this house, it was a painful reminder of what was and most of all she no longer wanted to be alone. Chuck felt her relax into his arms and knew that she was already asleep from exhaustion by the time they reached the bottom floor of Blair's building. He kissed the top of her head again, "I'll look after you."


	3. The Fine Line Between Friend and Lover

Chuck could feel something staring at him and he hadn't even opened his eyes. Almost within the second he felt a stabbing pain jolt down from his neck to his back and he instantly remembered where he was, the couch. He slowly opened his eyes and recognised Blair Waldorf standing over him. The look on her face was unreadable it was so, blank. He sat up cautiously reaching a hand around to his back.

"Are you in pain?" Blair asked with, still, no emotion.

"No, it's fine." Chuck lied. Blair went and sat in an armchair opposite Chuck. "How are _you_?"

"Let's make a rule, you will no longer ask me that question. I hate that question, along with _Are you okay_." Blair pulled a face. "I have thought of something." Chuck raised his eyebrows and made his way over to the kitchen to find something to eat. "What if my parents aren't dead?" The question made Chucks heart break as he dropped his head. He opened a drawer and pulled out a pile of New York Times' from the last few days. This would torture Blair all over again but she had to see them. The pictures, the proof.

"Blair, I'm sorry but-" he started as he walked back to Blair but she cut him off.

"But nothing Chuck, where is the proof, the evidence that they were even on that plane?" Chuck knew that Blair obviously hadn't thought this through at all. If they were alive they would have contacted her and none of this would be happening.

"Blair," He placed the papers in front of her on the coffee table "I'm sorry." He sat back down and watched as she scanned through the articles, tears forming in her eyes. The paper began to shake in her hands and the silence created was unsettling.

"Is this why you brought me here?" Blair's voice was shaking like her hands, her face growing red. "To show me these articles! To rub it in my face?" She threw the papers aside and stood up, so did Chuck.

"You had to see them eventually, Blair. You were beginning to imagine the whole thing was a lie. I want… I want to help you." The last words were said in barely a whisper but Blair heard them. "I know I haven't been the most supportive person in your life when really I should have been the best."

"So you're using my parents' death," her heart jumped at her own words, "to get back with me? You think you deserve another chance and this is how you're going to get it?" Blair spoke faster than her mind thought.

"Blair I don't want to get back with you," It pained him to say it but it was what he thought she needed to hear right now, "I just want to help you, I of all people understand you. I brought you here last night so you didn't have to be alone, so you didn't have to wake up in your family's house this morning. I know when my father died I didn't want to see anything of his for ages." Chuck noticed his voice was rising so he stopped, reminding himself to be gentle.

His words hit Blair and she realised he was right. Everyone from now on would treat her like a piece of fine china, a glass vase. Chuck on the other hand would be even, he would know how she feels and that was very alluring. If she were to stay with Chuck, she would be able to avoid many things, mainly reality, his penthouse would become her hideaway. And _maybe_, she didn't know if she wanted it or not, but maybe they could rekindle something. "So what do you have in mind then?" She asked surrendering.

"To take things day by day, also, if you don't want to be here then you can leave, if you like." Chuck wanted Blair to feel that she had all control, he may have treated her poorly at times but he still knew her.

"I'll stay, for now, I guess." Chuck inwardly smiled at Blair's response. He would get to spend more time with her and prove that he is responsible at least enough to be her friend.

"Alright well, I have to attend a business meeting this morning, so I'll let you be." Blair raised her eyebrows. Chuck? A business meeting? Before ten? Something had changed. He left her to get ready and Blair understood his last words to mean that she could make herself at home. She used Chuck's phone text Dorota asking her to have her winter clothes and a few other things delivered to The Empire and that she, Dorota, could have some time off work. After Chuck collected his things and left she braced herself and picked up another New York Times and turned to the page with the picture of the wreckage accompanied by two insert pictures of her parents. This time she allowed herself to cry properly and acknowledge that she was actually thankful to Chuck that he had kept these and showed them to her. Obviously everyone else had made the effort to keep them hidden.

"Blair?" Serena walked into Blair's room but no one was there. Nothing had been touched and an eerie silence now occupied the home. She picked up an old photo of Blair and her parents at one of their Thanksgiving dinners.

"Miss Serena, what are you doing here?" Dorota walked into Blair's room with a questioning look on her face.

"Oh, I was just looking for Blair. Is she out?" Serena placed the frame back in its place on Blair's desk.

"Miss Blair is not here now. She is staying at Mister Chucks, it is better for her." Dorota answered happily and began placing Blair's clothes into large suitcases. Serena always knew Dorota was a proud Chuck and Blair supporter but this wasn't right.

"Chuck's? Why would she do that?"

"Mister Chuck cares very deeply for Miss Blair-" Dorota kept packing, finding Blair's phone along the way in her Burberry coat.

"So do I? Why didn't she come to me?" Dorota shrugged and Serena stormed out of the room.

"Chuck's? Out of all places Blair, seriously, why did you come here?" Serena welcomed herself into Chuck's penthouse to find Blair in the lounge room flicking through TV channels.

"I didn't _come _here, Chuck brought me here." Blair turned off the TV and faced Serena.

"So why haven't you left?" Serena asked sitting at the other end of the couch to Blair.

"Why didn't you show me the newspaper articles about my parents?" Blair raised her eyebrows in anticipation and Serena noticed the papers on the table, she suddenly felt betrayed by Chuck.

"I thought you wouldn't want to see them yet. Blair, you were sleeping all day and all night, you didn't want to see anything." Serena started to feel defensive.

Blair sighed, Serena was right, "I suppose."

"Listen, I don't think it's a good idea for you to stay here. History will just repeat itself." Serena showed concern but Blair wasn't taking it.

"Things are different now, hell, _everything_ is different now. Besides, just because I'm staying here doesn't mean anything's going to happen."

"Why don't you come and stay with me? It will be better for you."

"Yeah, living with a family right now is just what I need. So I can stand on the sidelines and observe what I can no longer have, what I'm missing out on. Yeah, great idea, S. You don't need to become my new mother, you don't know what I need."

"I was just trying to help but obviously you don't need it." Serena picked up her bag and left without another word. Blair wiped a tear from her cheek. She had somehow meant what she said but she didn't mean to actually hurt Serena. Blair dragged her hands down her face, why had everything become so hard?

* * *

"How's Blair going?" Dan added more sugar to his coffee and exited the café with Serena.

"She's fine! She's now living with Chuck." Serena threw her hands in the air as her and Dan walked into Central Park. It didn't look too appealing at this time of year when the snow had gone and all that was left was bare trees and mud.

"Wow, I didn't see that coming." Dan took a sip of his coffee, he would never understand Blair and Chuck for as long as he lived.

"It's like she doesn't want my help at all. I mean, she could have always come and lived with us!"

"Hmm maybe a family household isn't what Blair need's right now."

"That's what she said. I just feel so useless." She really did. Serena wanted to help her friend but every time she tried she'd do something wrong.

"I know this isn't what you want to hear and I am by no means an expert at the inner workings of Blair, or Chuck, for that matter. But perhaps you should just let Blair be for now, she has a lot to think about and I know that when's she's ready she'll come back to you." Serena sat down on a slightly damp bench and looked at Dan her joined her.

"You really think so? Maybe I should just go over tomorrow just to check on her and make sure Chuck isn't being his usual old self."

"No, don't do that. Blair is a big girl now and though it's hard to believe I think Chuck has grown up a bit too."

"Fine." Serena sighed and placed her head on Dan's shoulder and began the waiting game with Blair which she had played so many times before.

Blair had just received her goods from her apartment. After unpacking her clothes and deleting all unread messages from her newfound phone she sat down at the table to open official letters. The first one was from the French authorities declaring her parents' death. Today seemed to be becoming the day of truths, first the newspapers and now this. The next letter was one asking for her to create an appointment with the family lawyer to discuss her parents' will. She put down the letters and began to mentally make a list of things she'd eventually have to do. Go home, go to the house in Paris, go back to living. It was all overwhelming, her mind wanted to cry but her body had no more tears left for today. Though she hadn't been physically hurt, everything was still in pain.

It was mid-afternoon when Chuck walked in silently and dumped a full briefcase on the table making some of Blair's letter move. As he undid his tie she stared in silence at his black leather case. She had only just realised how fortunate she was that bother her parents had retired early and that her mother had signed off Waldorf Designs to her long time business partner.

Chuck looked down at Blair. He wanted to kiss her so much. He wished that everything was fine and he could just come home and greet Blair was kisses and she would do the same but nothing was normal right now. "Are you hungry?"

"No." She really wasn't even though she hadn't eaten for a long time.

"Suit yourself." And in perfect timing the elevator chimed and a lavish amount of food was wheeled in. Chuck thanked his employee and handed over a gracious tip. The smell of beef tenderloin with bordelaise sauce and dauphine potatoes filled the air, not to mention the apple soufflé with thyme ice cream and crumble on the side of the tray for dessert. There were two plates of each meal and Blair wouldn't put it past Chuck to finish off both but her appetite had somehow reintroduced itself. She sat there staring at the food.

"Try it." Chuck pushed a plate over to her and she gave in pretending not to enjoy it. The first few bites were hard but the food was so good. Chuck smiled at how out of character Blair was being by the way she was eating. Not caring what anyone thought as she stuffed the food on her fork. There were few words exchanged between them as they dined. Blair morbidly thought about how her parents would have loved this. She just couldn't stop thinking about them, they haunted her every thought.

"Chuck?" She began once he walked back in after placing the trays out in the corridor on the tray. He looked expectantly at her and she carried on, "Does it ever get easier?"

"It's only been a few days. Just take your time and one day, I promise, things will get easier. Be easy on yourself." Chuck wished he had known this when his father died instead of lashing out. Or better yet, he wished he had _listened_ when someone had told him those exact words. Blair looked down at the floor then up at Chuck with a small smile.

"Thank you for bringing me here. I really appreciate it."

"You know, I really am sorry for what happened to us." Chuck said sincerely stepping closer to Blair.

"Perhaps we just weren't meant to be together then. It was all just bad timing and we ruined what we had." Blair looked into Chuck's eyes and felt the deepest urge to tell him that she still loved him but that wouldn't help anything. Besides it was probably just her out of whack emotions so she decided it would be best to just leave the scene. "Well, goodnight Chuck." She smiled and went into his bedroom. Even though it was still early in the night she felt like she hadn't slept for days, sleeping was the only thing that was easy now.

Chuck began a solo game of pool and thought about what Blair had said. She was right, last year had all been a case of bad timing. He hadn't been ready to let go of his bad boy image nor was he ready to take someone else's feelings into account. But now, he had changed. "Chuck!" He heard her call out to him and he quickly made for his room.

"Blair?" He leaned against the doorframe.

"Would you be able to join me tomorrow for a meeting with my family's lawyer? I have to, um, go through the will. You don't have to if you don't want." She quickly added the last sentence not wanting to sound desperate.

"Actually I can't, I'm busy all day tomorrow. Why don't you ask Serena?"

"Oh, well I think Serena is busy too. It's okay I just do it myself." Blair pretended to look unfazed "You can leave now." Chuck raised an eyebrow; did she really just kick him out of his own room? He turned around and resumed his game, he was actually glad he had a full day of work tomorrow. The last thing he wanted was to become Blair's platonically loved best friend.

* * *

She was dressed in one of her best black tweed Chanel suits with the classic knee length skirt complimented with black oversize sunglasses. Blair became frustrated that she had fought with Serena yesterday, she really didn't want to do this alone. She was glad, however, that Chuck had said no, she regretted asking him the moment she did. What was she trying to do, become a hopeless dependant?

"B?" Blair stopped to find Nate walking up to her and smile grew across her face. That boy always had the best timing, well, almost always.

"Nate! Imagine seeing you around here." Blair gave him a light hug.

"Yeah just had to do some things for Dad" Nate shrugged it off, Blair knew it was a touchy subject so she quickly moved on.

"Well if you're not busy would you like to accompany me to visit my lawyer?"

"Sure, why not." Nate turned around and walked along side Blair. He was thankful for this run-in, he had found himself struggling to find ways to help or support Blair and this was perfect.

The meeting was border-line suicidal, it was so boring. Naturally Blair had inherited every last cent and every possession from the penthouse in New York to the 3000 thread count sheets. Blair signed where she had to, putting all emotions aside, this was not the place to have another meltdown.

"Well that was easy" Blair said as they walked out of the building, "Much unlike Chucks."

"True, I can't imagine inheriting billions, a private jet and a string of hotels is very easy." Nate added sarcastically. He knew how hard it really was for Chuck, the pressure drove him over the edge and he was in no situation to run the business. "I heard you were staying with him?"

"Nate, it doesn't mean anything. He did tell me that he was sorry for last year though, like you said he was. But yes, I'm currently staying with Chuck for the time being. Nothing permanent I can assure you and just so you know, he sleeps on the couch." Blair didn't know how she felt about her own words or her current situation. She didn't want to live off Chuck but at the same time she didn't want to go anywhere near her penthouse.

"Chuck on the couch, now that's saying something." Nate smiled as they continued to walk down the street with no particular destination. "Would you ever… reconsider?" Nate asked slowly.

"My parents just died, the last thing I'm thinking about is starting things with Chuck again." Blair lied. Only two things preoccupied her mind and they were her parents' death and Chuck. "He has changed though. I mean, when was the last time Chuck went to business meetings in the morning and worked all day?" Nate looked down at Blair, you didn't have to be a genius to know what was going to happen at the end of all this.

"Thank you Mr Bass, I wish you a pleasant evening." Chuck shook hands with one of the most senior members of the board at Bass Industry's. This man was the crème de la crème, the one you sought to please and it had been Chuck's personal project to win him over with smart and efficient business proposals. So far things were running smoothly and Chuck worked hard to keep it this way. He wondered how Blair's day went as he travelled home. There was no doubt that her meeting went off without a hitch, he couldn't imagine Eleanor or Harold leaving their wealth or belongings to anyone other than Blair. People on the Upper East Side just didn't do that, everything stayed within the family.

The sun was setting as he entered his home, it was empty. He walked around aimlessly while removing his jacket and tie. In a way, he had been looking forward to coming home to Blair again but since she was absent he decided it would be a good time to take a shower and sort out some things in his room.

It was the first time she had spent the whole day out and it had made its toll on her. Collapsing on Chuck's bed she heard him in the bathroom and it wasn't too long till he appeared wearing just a towel around his waist. Blair loved the way he smelt after a shower and he had never looked better.

"Hey Chuck." She said while facing the other direction so he could change. It felt stupid for both of them as neither were strangers to others body but they did it anyway. Once he was dressed he sat at the edge of the bed and Blair rolled over to face him.

"How did things go with the lawyer?"

"Good, nothing special. I ran into Nate so he came with me then we just spent the rest of the day together talking about parents and things." Chuck felt a run of jealousy shoot through him. Nate had got to spend the whole day with Blair while he worked. "Anyway, that's just another thing ticked off the list."

"What else is there?" Chuck wanted to move on from the Nate subject as soon as possible.

"Well, things between Serena and I aren't too great." Blair sat up, she could feel tears swelling up in her eyes and damned herself for it. Why couldn't she control her emotions anymore? "I yelled at her yesterday, told her to stop being my mother."

"The same way I told you to stop being my wife?" Chuck moved further onto the bed.

"Not quite, but… I'm such a horrible friend! I should have died instead of my parents, they were great people and I'm just-"

"Blair, stop" Chuck crawled up to her and pulled her back so her head rest on his chest with his arms around her. "Don't ever say that, don't ever even think that."

"But-" Blair tried to speak through her tears.

"But nothing, you have so much to live for and you're not a horrible friend."

"I have _nothing_ to live for. My parents are gone, no one will love me the way they did." Chuck wanted to tell her that he loved her but he couldn't pull himself to do it so he just held Blair closer.

"Don't you think that your parents would want you to live your life to your fullest potential? Don't you owe it to them?" Blair didn't say anything, "You don't have to start tomorrow but you have the greatest life to live, Blair." They stayed how they were for a few minutes until Chuck's phone beeped with a text. As he read it a wave of dread overcame him. "I have to go." Chuck declared. He could have stayed how he was for days but this was important.

"What is it?" Blair sat up so he could move out from underneath her.

"Nothing, just something for the business. Do you want me to send up some food?" Chuck began to change into more appropriate clothing and Blair couldn't help thinking there was something he wasn't sharing.

"No it's okay, I'll probably just go straight to sleep anyway." She pretended not to care in Chuck's doing but she knew as soon as he would leave she'd put her scheming skills into effect.

"Okay, bye." Chuck's instincts made him want to kiss her goodbye but he held back, reminding himself they weren't in a relationship.

"Bye."

"What do you want?" Chuck walked into the dark bar, taking up a seat next to the person he least admired.

"Nothing of course, I heard the business is going well." Jack sneered.

"Since you left, yes." Chuck ordered a scotch. It would be his only drink tonight.

"Oh, come on now, no need for that. I was simply helping you have a good time. You had seemed to have forgotten how to do that since you began dating Blair, remember?"

"No, what you did was you help me prove myself incompetent so I would lose the trust of the Board and Blair." Chuck drank slowly.

"I think you would have managed that fine without me." Jack downed the rest of his drink.

"Why are you in New York?"

Blair rang Arthur, Chuck's driver, whom she had a beautiful relationship with. A relationship that survived off two simple things, information on his part and money on hers. It really was beautiful in Blair's eyes.

"Arthur, how are you? It's Blair." She used her sweetest voice.

"I'm going pretty well. Sorry to hear about your loss, Miss Waldorf."

"Thank you, I was wondering where you may have taken Chuck, tonight?" She went straight to the point. There was no time to be wasted on petty talk with drivers.

"To Bemelmans Bar and he was greeted by Jack Bass inside." Arthur handed the information over with ease, this was nothing new. Blair's heart began to beat slightly faster. "I'm sorry, Miss Waldorf but I must go, Mr Bass is coming."

"Thank you, Arthur." Blair hung up surprised on how short lived Chuck and Jack's meeting was. Within fifteen minutes Chuck was already re-entering the apartment looking concerned. Blair pretended to be asleep as she listened to him. He quietly walked into the bedroom grabbed his clothes from before off the floor then moved into the bathroom. She could hear his deep breaths and sensed that there was something wrong. Within a few minutes he walked back out without stopping and Blair heard him collapse on the couch. For what felt like ages she lay there. Thinking about Chuck, about her parents and then about what happened tonight. She suspected that Jack was back in town for no good, probably to bring Chuck back down again. Unexpectedly she felt protective of Chuck. Without really thinking she pushed back the sheets and tiptoed in the dark out to the lounge room where Chuck lay on the couch. Blair smiled to herself as Chuck was lying in the perfect position for her to join. Slowly she pulled back his blanket and lay in front of him. For the first few moments she was a bit tense, thinking she had done the wrong thing but then Chuck moved his body to curl around her and pulled her closer.

"I was lonely" Blair whispered and Chuck sighed, drifting back to sleep. Blair's eyes grew heavy as she wished this could be forever but as Chuck said, he didn't want a relationship he just wanted to help. But then… what was this?

* * *

AN; I'm not 100% happy with this chap I feel it's just a gap filler from the death/memorial to when some real drama begins. Don't think Blair is going to go through all this without some major Blair Waldorf meltdown's, besides the _anger _side of grieving is yet to come. I hope you all enjoyed this chapter either way and see you next time.


	4. Reverse of Shade

Chuck walked tiredly into his home. It had been a long day and he had been on edge since Jack arrived in the city a few days ago. He still hadn't told Blair, she didn't any need more things to think about. He collapsed next to Blair on the couch to find she was watching Crash Investigation.

"Blair…"

"I want to watch it. It's interesting." Chuck found it more on the lines of morbid rather than interesting but Blair got what she wanted. Every time Chuck went to talk or comment Blair shushed him, so they sat in silence, watching scientists evaluate a crash. Blair watched with such intensity taking in all the notes about how and what the passengers felt. By the end Chuck had fallen asleep so Blair crept over to her laptop at the table and did the thing she had wanted to do for ages now but was too scared to, she thoroughly researched her own parents' death. Within the hour she had become obsessed. She had pictures of the site, information on the airline and every little detail she could collect. It was the private luxury airline's first crash and there was still no real answer to what had happened but Blair had made up something more or less in her head based off other crashes. Over time tiredness overcame her but she didn't want to sleep, instead she just laid her head down on a layer of paper which covered part of the table. She felt there was more to know about the incident and wondered if she could get her hands on the Black Box. She wouldn't rest till she knew it all.

* * *

Chuck awoke in an uncomfortable position, he glanced at his watch and it was just going on for 6am. Why couldn't he sleep in on his days off? His back cried in pain and he made the decision that tonight he would sleep in his own bed. As he stood Blair quickly caught his eye. He walked over to the table where she had fallen asleep. He tapped a key on the laptop to reopen the page Blair had left up. Carefully leaning over her, he scrolled through the page then looked at all the tabbed pages. Blair had become fixated on her parents' death. Chuck looked down at her slowly when she began to stir. He stepped back as she regrouped her thoughts, suddenly becoming embarrassed by her state.

"I was just… researching." Blair rubbed her eyes and closed the laptop.

"I can see that. I know you don't want me to ask but it's been a week and-"

"I'm fine!" Blair's defence was up in seconds.

"Really? _This_" Chuck motioned to the laptop and pages spread out on the table, "is fine? Blair, this just looks like you need to talk."

"My, my, Chuck Bass wants to _talk_?" She stood up, feeling weak in her sitting position.

"I didn't bring you here so you could just sleep, go out sometimes then sleep again." Chuck knew what she was going through and he also knew that everyone went through it differently but he couldn't help himself.

"What else am I supposed to do! Go out shopping with my no longer best friend, Serena? Buy mother a present, it'll be her birthday soon! God, Chuck, all _you_ did was drink and have a ball when your father died!" Blair stormed into the bedroom and suddenly felt trapped. It wasn't her bedroom, everywhere she went it was Chuck's. She yelled furiously which has heard loud and clear by Chuck who leant on the table with his hands not knowing what to do. Blair put on some new clothes, threw her hair back in a ponytail and left the penthouse without saying another word to Chuck as he watched her go.

* * *

"Blair." Serena was shocked when the brunette showed up at her bedroom door.

"S, I'm sorry." She wiped away a stray tear that she had been trying to hold back since entering. "Can I stay here for a while?" Blair instantly had a feeling of homelessness despite the fact she had two homes.

"Sure, come in." Serena answered and she and Blair sat up on the bed.

"I don't know what I was thinking, I was in my wrong mind to stay at Chucks. Ugh, I don't know how I did it for a week." Blair stared at the floor.

"It's okay, B. No one expects you to do the most sensible things right now." Serena rubbed Blair's back, happy that her friend had returned.

"Being there, it was like, being sucked into this giant hole of emptiness. Maybe what I do need is a place with a family, happiness. I should start getting over this now. I'm Blair Waldorf, nothing should consume me as much as this does!" Blair stressed, feeling tears swell in her eyes.

"I think if you were suddenly over all of this, you would have a problem. It's going to take a long time but that's fine. I don't know what I'd do if I were you but I know it would take me years." Blair looked up at Serena. It broke Serena's heart to see her friend so lost.

"I should have told them not to be on that plane." Blair announced after a moments silence.

"B, no one knew…"

"No, I should have told them. Or I should have talked them out of going to that stupid London party. You know, I researched that party and apparently it was an epic fail! So I should have been up on all this and known it wasn't going to be great and convinced them to stay in Paris." Blair began to breath faster the guilt was crashing down and she could see no end in sight. "Or, like I said to Chuck, _I _should have been there too. I should have gone with them." Serena tried to find words but she was speechless and Blair wasn't even stopping for a breath now. "Then we could have all gone together and I wouldn't be like this…" Blair finally paused, she had finally realised something. She would be with her parent's now if, "If you hadn't invited me back to New York!" Blair stood up, glaring daggers at Serena.

"What! Blair, come on."

"No, no, no! I would have been with them, or we would have stayed in Paris had I had not come back here to this wretched city! Oh my _God_!" Blair actually tugged at her own hair in distress. Serena now had tears in her eyes, not believing what Blair was saying.

"Blair you decided to come back here yourself. No one is to blame here."

"There is always someone to blame, Serena." Blair's stomach was flipping again, like it had when she had first found out about her parents. Her heart hurt. "Chuck was the reason for his mother's death. Dan or someone was the reason for Chuck's father's death and YOU are the reason for mine!"

"Blair!" Serena was so hurt it was impossible to describe. "You are talking nonsense. You don't know what you're on about." She knew that what Blair was saying was untrue but the more she pursued the more real it sounded.

"And-"

"Get out." Serena couldn't stand anymore, she spoke quietly and evenly. "Blair, please just leave." Blair didn't need telling twice. She grabbed her coat and bag and marched out just like she had earlier that day at Chucks.

Once out of the building and into the coldness she felt lonelier than ever. She couldn't go back to Chucks and there was no way she'd go back inside. Nate was a possibility but she didn't feel like cutting off another friend in this new found angst. In fact, Blair actually just felt like digging herself further into this state of misery. No one really cared about her anymore and neither did she. So she called the one person she knew who could single-handily drag her down to the very, very bottom. Jack Bass.

* * *

Her meeting would begin at 7 and she needed to change. Even with this new, somehow refreshing, persona she still couldn't bear to go back to her house.

"Arthur? Is Chuck home?" She asked once again donning her innocent voice.

"No, Miss Waldorf, he is out."

"Thank you." She flipped her phone shut and ordered her driver to take her straight to The Empire. Quickly she rushed up, changed and applied heavier than usual make-up. Her Versace dress was black, short and tight and her Jimmy Choo ankle boots added height and a certain sex appeal about the outfit. The old Blair Waldorf had died along with her parents. As quickly as she came she retreated. She couldn't get caught by Chuck but as she walked into the lobby she spotted him. Quickly she moved to a desk pretending to ask a question so her back was to him. Her heartbeat grew quicker, what would he do if he saw her like this? The possibility excited her but she had other plans so when she thought it was safe she swiftly walked out and into her car.

She arrived at the dark secluded bar, it was on she had never been to before but it looked okay, besides, she didn't want to run into anyone. She spotted Bass right away sitting at the other end of the bar. Her stomach lurched at the site of him. She couldn't tell whether it was excitement, fear or hate.

"Blair Waldorf." He smiled, slightly shaking his head. "I must admit I didn't plan on this when I returned. Sorry for your loss, by the way." He brought his hand to her bare thigh making her breath in sharply.

"Well, I have nothing to live for, even if people tell me otherwise," Chuck's words flashed through her mind, but what was she if no one loved her.

"Let's get this started then" He beckoned the bartender over, "Please create a little something to wash this little girl's problems away." The bartender smiled thoughtfully and within the minute Blair had something stronger than she'd ever tasted but it felt good.

Time had passed the same away Jack kept passing drinks onto Blair. She didn't realise how drunk she was until Jack had led them into his limo to move onto another bar. It was well into the night now and the streets were flowing with tourist and other New Yorkers looking for an exciting night out. Blair stared out the window through a blurred vision as Jack added an extra bonus to Blair's champagne.

"Drink up sweetheart" they tapped their glasses and downed their drinks. Jack smirked at the unknowing girl beside him as she asked for more. They hadn't talked much since the night began but he knew what type of ending she had planned as she began to get closer and closer to him. Normally he would jump at the chance but he had something better in mind. Originally he had no intention of doing anything to Chuck, he was simply there to sort out his own business but this opportunity was too good. Besides, it wouldn't be a trip to New York without torturing his late brother's son and tonight was his last night before flying back to Sydney.

Blair held onto Jack's arm for support as she stumbled into their new location. It was brighter than the other and she felt she had been there before but she couldn't focus for long enough as she seemed to zone in and out. They entered the bar and moved to one of the back lounges and Blair surveyed the scene, not that she could concentrate very well. The place seemed to be one where she would be spotted but she didn't care anymore. Some people had joined them on the lounge and a few men were getting close to Blair.

"Soooo what should we drink here?" Blair leaned over the small table between the two lounges to talk to Jack.

"I think you've had enough." Jack smiled.

Blair placed a hand to her chest "Moi! I don't think so."

"I've arranged for someone else to step in. I have to leave for my flight." Jack began to stand up searching the crowd for his queue.

"What if I'm not finished?"

"Oh, I think you are. Blair, let me ask you a question. Do you know where we are?" The timing was perfect. A bartender walked over and placed a drink onthe table in front of Blair. She looked down at the logo on the napkin that the champagne was placed upon then back up at Jack who was smirking at someone behind her.

"The Empire?" She whispered to herself.

"Blair?"

"Well I must be off. Nice to see you, Blair" Jack exited the scene as Blair turned around.

"Chuck."

"What are you doing!" Blair shouted as Chuck pulled her by her petite arm into the elevator. He slammed the PH button before turning to face Blair. Her hair was a mess and her eyeliner had been smudged.

"The question here is, what are _you_ doing?" Chuck seethed. "I get a call from management asking to come and get you as you've completely lost it. Do you realise how embarrassing that is!"

"Well I didn't realise that I was here!" Blair retorted.

"Serious, you didn't recognise this place? You really are gone." Chuck shook his head in disgust.

"Not like you haven't been like this before."

"But Blair this type of shit was expected from me. What ever happened to upholding a perfect reputation?"

"I don't have to withhold anything." The elevator doors opened and they entered the room with Blair almost knocking over the vintage motorbike in Chuck's doorway.

"But why? Why have you gone out dressed like this with Jack?"

Blair smiled coyly and walked slowly up to Chuck tilting her head sidewards. "Do you like it?"

Chuck was now against the wall having flashback's to when Blair had done this before. When she had been rejected by Yale. When she had thrown the old Blair out for a while.

She grabbed his hands and placed them on her thighs. "Do you?" She arched her back pushing her body into his and he looked away. "It's been a long time, Chuck. I know you didn't bring me here to just help me." She brushed her lips against his, "I know you don't want to get stuck in the best friend role." She slid her hands up his shirt and was satisfied with Chuck shiver, "Don't look away, Chuck, look at me." As soon as he looked down to her she forced a deep kiss. Chuck fell into it for a moment but then her hands moved down to undo his belt. Swiftly he switched positions with her so she was trapped against the wall and he broke off the kiss.

"No, Blair."

"C'mon" Blair went for another kiss but Chuck backed away.

"You don't know what you want right now. You are beyond gone and I won't do anything with you while you are like this." Chuck looked her once over, "I know it is easy to just let it all go but when you wake up in the morning everything is just how it was before. I know how easy it is to go out on the town with Jack. It's a one way ticket until someone breaks the scene. Do you realise how much I would have loved for you to come and get me out of those situations?" Chuck didn't necessarily mean to turn this back onto him but it was all just coming out. "You just get so caught up in it. You're invincible and you think that no one would really care. Because you think it's only you that you're hurting. No one else and that's okay, but not true. I also know, now, that I hurt you every time I did what you just did to yourself. Over and over."

"But I've just lost my parent's. You had no motive." Blair began to regret tonight's actions.

"Yes, you _just_ lost your parents. Parents that loved you and treated you like a princess. Perhaps that makes it harder?" Chuck spoke sarcastically.

"What harder?" She became confused not liking Chuck's words.

"Having known your parents before they died. Having had felt love from your parents before they died. I never knew my mother and I never felt love from my father. Can you imagine how that feels? No, but I'll let you in on a secret, I feel it every day and sometimes that just becomes too much." Chuck breathed in deeply, "So when you say I had no motive…" He shrugged then waited for Blair.

She stood there, slapped. "Why didn't you say this before?" Her voice was barely audible.

"Because I was like you, Blair. I didn't want to talk and look what happens when you don't." Chuck turned and disappeared into the bedroom. Blair knew that he wasn't just referring to her. He was talking about what had happened to him when he didn't talk, what had happened to them when neither of them talked and now what had just happened to her when she didn't talk. She slid down the wall and removed her shoes. Resting her head up against the wall she remembered all the time's Chuck had gone out with Jack, she was so mad every time, but she either just let it slide or threw harsh words at him upon his arrival home. Never did she go out to find him, like he did tonight. She felt so embarrassed for how she behaved in his hotel; the people and staff here knew who she was. Chuck was right, she thought she was only hurting herself not aware that she was hurting him too. She pulled herself up and quietly walked into the bathroom where Chuck was leaning on the counter staring at nothing. Blair ducked under one of his arms and rested her head against his chest. They looked at each other in the mirror and at how close they were.

"I'm sorry." Blair whispered. Chuck moved Blair so she was facing him. He pushed her hair back with his hands and kissed her properly and meaningfully, just how they use to. After he simply placed his forehead against hers and sighed.

"It's okay. We're going to be okay." He cupped her cheeks, drawing her face upwards and kissed her again. She kissed him back with the same intensity, they had waited for this for so long. They were one of the same and nothing had changed.

* * *

Serena made her way down to brunch with the family. It was a Sunday so the layout was impressive. She sat and poured herself an orange juice without much thought.

"Serena, darling, have you spoken to Blair lately?" Lily asked curiously.

"She was here yesterday." Jenny interrupted. Jenny felt sorry for Blair but her presence was still slightly feared.

"Is this true Serena, why didn't you tell me?" Serena glared at Jenny then turned her focus to her mother.

"Yes Blair was here yesterday and she won't be here again. Ever."

"Why not?" Lily asked placing down her cutlery.

"Well, Blair has decided that it is my fault that her parents died."

"How did she come to that conclusion?" Rufus joined the conversation.

"She says if I didn't convince her to come to New York for New Year's her parents and her would have stayed in Paris and not have boarded the planeto London."

"Oh Serena, you know that's not true." Lily reached a hand out to her daughter, feeling her distress. Rufus and Jenny excused themselves from the table recognising this as a mother daughter only conversation from here on.

"But mom maybe it is true! I feel that maybe Blair is right." Serena breathed in deeply, determined not to cry.

"Sweetheart, Blair is so hurt right now and has so many things going on. You are her best friend so it just seems to be that she has chosen you to take everything out on." Lily led Serena over to the couch.

"But that's not fair, how can she say something like that?" Serena pushed her long hair behind her ears and looked at her mother. These moments were rare and even though they weren't fun or happy she still cherished them.

"I know it's not fair and as for your question, this is Blair we're talking about. She has been known to come out with some fairly cut throat words."

"True, but I gave her space and she came to me, not the other way around and then she just went off. What am I supposed to do?"

"I don't know. Sorry Darling but I don't. Perhaps you could contact Charles-" Lily suggested

"And what?"

"And ask how she is going, does he even know what is going on between you two? Maybe he could talk to Blair, she listens to him."

Serena smiled and hugged her mom, "Thanks, maybe I'll try calling later." She walked back up the stairs to her room unfortunately not feeling any better than before.

* * *

Blair awoke next to Chuck that day. They hadn't done anything more than kiss the night before, she felt they both wanted to go further, to finish it, but something was between them and Blair felt it was the events from earlier in the night. She had thought, however, that today she would feel elated but she felt nothing. She had thought that after what happened between her and Chuck other pains would go away. Quietly she walked to the bathroom and stared at her reflection. Black eye make-up stained her eye area and her hair looked as if she spent the night in a brothel. Lousily she walked into the shower and lazily washed herself, ridding her body of a horrid odour. Once finished she put on some underwear and a shirt and climbed back into bed. Chuck stirred awake, smiling once he saw Blair but it was short lived. His smile quickly disappeared when he saw her expression and he sat up to address her.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing." Blair moved so she was lying down then turned over with her back facing Chuck but he crawled over her so he could see her face.

"No, something is wrong. Is it about what happened last night?" Chuck was confused.

"No, I just feel…" Blair shrugged she didn't know what she felt.

"Do you want to do something, are you hungry?"

"I don't want to do anything I just want to stay in bed today." Blair replied flatly.

"Okay, that's okay." Chuck kissed her cheek and walked out of the room to get some breakfast.

Blair was still in bed when Chuck decided to go out and quickly stop by the office to pick up some documents from Pete Holmberg, the man who caught him with those two hookers and a supply of hash the day of the brunch after his father's death. He was now the man Chuck had earned respect from, the hard way.

"Evening, Charles." He greeted as Chuck walked into his office.

"Evening, Sir. Do you have those documents for the new hotel in Berlin?"

"I do." He handed over the large folder but had more to say before Chuck left. "If you don't mind me asking, on behalf of my wife, how is Miss Waldorf?" Chuck was stunned; Pete Holmberg never ever asked a personal question let alone show interest in anything to do with Chuck personally.

"Blair's…" Chuck thought about saying okay but it didn't feel right. "Blair's not so great. She's been in bed all day. It is like she can't do anything, anymore." He thought about how she was this morning.

Holmberg looked thoughtful. "The reason we ask is because my wife went through a slightly similar ordeal. Losing both parents at once is, of course, twice the pain. After a week or two she developed depression and at first we ignored it, I guess, but it didn't go away. So, just a word of caution, be on the lookout." Holmberg straightened the paper on his desk and excused Chuck who walked out with his mind racing. Could Blair be developing depression, was he looking at it right in the face and missing it? As soon as he was in limo he researched depression on his phone thinking of Blair at home in bed and knowing that that was exactly where he would find her.

* * *

_Hey readers! Thanks again to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. I took some time with this one as I've been super busy and i just had to write up a light hearted one shot 'A Very Merry Little Christmas', as some relief from this heavy stuff. I hope you enjoyed it. And if I don't update beforehand, Merry Christmas to all of you!_


	5. Nothing

He watched her move the food from one side of the plate to the other, for four nights now. Every night one empty plate and one full plate was put back on the tray. Every day he would call housekeeping to tell them to skip the penthouse that day. Every afternoon he would return home to find her exactly where he left her, every morning. He hadn't told anyone, not that anyone had really asked about her. Besides Nate, but Chuck wasn't going to bring him into this. After all this time he still was guarded about Blair and Nate's relationship and what better time for Blair to retreat back to her childhood dreams than now?

A blizzard had swept over New York forcing majority of the population to stay at home, meaning Chuck was to stay home with Blair.

"Blair, don't you think you should get out of bed today?" It was midday and Chuck had been sitting out in the lounge room thinking about what to do with the person he loved.

"And do what?" Her body hurt from being in bed too much and she smelt from not showering enough.

"We could go out?" Chuck suggested as he crawled onto the bed.

"It's snowing." Blair turned to face him. She had been sleeping so much and yet felt so weak and tired, moreover she felt stuck. Stuck in this new role she played of being nothing.

Chuck sighed and placed a strand of Blair's oily hair behind her ear. She looked horrible. The skin under her eyes had turned a fierce purple black and her hair was oiled into a messy ponytail. "What can I do, Blair?" He whispered lying down next to her. He hated this bed now. He felt he was in it too much because of Blair and that it had become her prison.

"I don't know." She blinked having no other answer.

"I want to make you feel better. I'm Chuck Bass and nothing I can think of will work."

"You don't have to make me feel anything, I'm okay." Blair realised how unconvincing she sounded. Here she was in bed like _this _of course she wasn't fine but she felt she could be no other way. "Chuck, everything is just worthless, my life is just worthless. No one cares about me anymore. Sure, everybody sends flowers and cards as soon as tragedy strikes but what about the weeks after? No one has sent me messages or anything. Gossip Girl has officially taken me off her radar seeing as I'm fully inactive and all" Chuck held in a small smile, at least the old Blair was in there somewhere. The Blair that cared about what other people thought and most importantly the Blair that gave a damn about Gossip Girl. "It really feels like… like no one loves me anymore-"

Chuck broke her off with a kiss then moved his lips to her ear and whispered gently, reassuringly and honestly, "_I_ love you." He hoped it would be enough as he felt his heartbreak. Like he had just noted, the old Blair was resurfacing and she was bringing along the underlying desperate need to feel loved, the most loved. "I really do, Blair and it's killing me that I can't help you. That I can't even get you out of this bed and I hate myself for it. Please, just please tell me what I have to do."

"Don't say you love me. What if you die too? Then everyone who loves me will be gone. I'm cursed, destined to be left with nothing."

"No you're not. I'm not going anywhere, Blair. Not this time, not anytime" Chuck looked into her eyes with sincerity.

Blair looked down for a short time, thinking, she didn't want to have to do this. It meant defeat and it meant she was agreeing to the fact that she needed help. She looked back up at the man who loved her, "Chuck, I think I have to go to a doctor, I need help."

* * *

The next morning Chuck woke and kissed Blair on her forehead and immediately helped her up into the shower giving her no time to think about the day only to decide to stay in bed. He waited for her, letting her take her time refreshing herself and picking out a suitable outfit then fixing her hair into yet another lazy ponytail. Chuck wished for the days where she would wear her hair in those loose sexy curls which spiralled down her back, teasing him. He also lusted for the days where Blair simply _smiled_. He couldn't remember her last sincere smile and she hadn't even flinched when he told her he loved her. Finally she was ready and reached out for Chuck's hand in the elevator. He squeezed her small hand in return and held onto her for the whole trip to the clinic. Chuck wasn't sure on what to expect, what would be said and how Blair would act.

Together they walked through the doors into the boutique clinic. The waiting area was luxurious, not that anything else was expected, the rich needed to feel comfortable. Blair sat down as Chuck talked to the receptionist. She was a kind woman who already knew about Blair's ordeal. Then again, who didn't? Though it wasn't exactly fresh news it still wasn't all that old either.

"Blair Waldorf?" Blair's heart jumped at her name, she had thought she would have more waiting time in which to prepare. But her time was now and what the hell was she going to say? Slowly she stood up, was she supposed to take Chuck?

Blair looked down at him and he went to get up but she stopped him, "I'll be okay." It felt right to do this alone, at least for the first time.

"Come straight through, Miss Waldorf." The lady smiled, Blair was thankful she got a woman instead of a man. They entered the cosy room and Blair was directed to a couch with an array of pillows while her doctor sat across from her in an armchair. The name plaque on the desk read Dr. McCulloch, her hair was brown like Blair's and her face was round and sweet, giving you the desire to just talk. She omitted this sense of trust which Blair found appealing, as well as her red Manolos.

"Hello, Blair." She smiled, "Why don't you tell me what you've been feeling of late." McCulloch sat back in her chair waiting for Blair to begin.

She breathed in deeply and out shakily, "Well… to be honest nothing. For a few days now I feel stuck in this rut. I can't move I have no motivation to go on."

"I see. So you're feeling depressed?"

"I guess so." Blair felt horrible about this, how could Blair Waldorf get depressed? That was just something that never happened to her, it happened to loners who had no body, or alcoholics that had thrown away everybody.

"And you've been residing with a friend, how has this been?"

"Okay, he works a lot so I'm mainly just their by myself, besides yesterday when there was too much snow. It gets… lonely. I know he wants to help me but I also know he needs to keep the empire alive. But I guess it's better than being back at home."

"Have you been home since the accident?" McCulloch jotted down words that Blair couldn't see clearly.

"No. I don't want to go back there." Blair answered firmly.

"Perhaps returning will help you, it could turn out to be a major step."

"Well that's a step I'm not ready to take." She retorted demonstrating to McCulloch exactly where she was at with her grieving process.

"That's okay Blair, there is plenty of time. So how about we just focus on what is happening now, instead of things to do in the future?" Blair nodded and McCulloch continued, "I think it would be a great idea to talk to your friend whom you're living with. Ask if you can spend more time together, you also need to talk about what you are feeling. This friend must be one that you trust well if you have decided to stay with them." Blair looked out the window at the new snow beginning to fall. _Trust_ had always been her and Chuck's major fault line. "Is there more friends you can talk to?" Serena came to mind.

"Yes, but I accused her of being the reason my parents are dead." Blair replied flatly and McCullochs eyebrows went through the roof. Clearly she hadn't dealt with anyone like Blair before but for some reason unknown to humankind, Blair liked her. Perhaps it was just the shoes but she had grown on Blair in their short time.

"Doctor McCulloch, would I be able to bring someone along to our next meeting?"

"Sure, if you believe it would be beneficial then of course." Some small talk led the two to the end of the session and Blair walked out with her next appointment time card in hand.

"So how was it?" Chuck asked as they walked out into the snow and into the limo.

"Okay, thank you for bringing me here." Blair felt a tiny spark within her.

"What did she say?"

"That you and I should spend more time together." Blair looked at Chuck who looked to the ground.

"No one's ever said that before. Let's talk about that when we get home." They were silent for a while but Chuck could no longer keep it in. "I know I've been working a lot lately instead of being home with you."

"I'm not your wife so you're not obliged to spend generous amounts of time with me." Blair said in a monotone voice which unnerved Chuck.

"But I want to. Blair I brought you over to my house and all I've done is left you there." Blair liked that he felt sorry for her and bad for his behaviour. "At the same time though, you refuse to let me help you." Okay now she didn't like this.

"I let you bring me here to today."

"Yeah, first time."

"There's a first time for everything" Blair mumbled. They had arrived at The Empire but neither was moving to get out of the limo.

"I know you have depression Blair but all I want is-"

"I don't _know_ how you can help Chuck! I just don't know!" Blair blew it, finally feeling some emotion. "Maybe, you know, it would be nice if you spent more time with me."

"Lying in bed?"

"No, if you were home more maybe I would get up more. I'm so lonely and feel nothing and it's so unbelievably frustrating!"

Chuck lent forward towards Blair, "If I stay home will you _try_ to get up, every day?"

Blair looked at him, always the deal maker, "I guess I can try."

"So we have a deal then, I'll stay home and you have to get up at nine every day." Chuck got out and held his hand out for Blair. He was going to get some routine into this girl's life no matter how badly she blocked it off.

* * *

Serena woke to the sound of her phone telling her she had a new text. She rolled over hoping it was boyfriend, just like any girl hopes when their phone goes off. All hope had vanished when she saw Blair's name on the screen. Unwillingly she opened the message.

_S, I'm sorry about what I said could you meet me today at 1pm?_

Serena was confused at the address Blair had finished the message off with. She looked at the time on her phone disgusted that it was only ten past nine. Since when did Blair get up this early? Serena shoved her phone onto her bedside table and pulled the duvet over her head to block out the morning light. This was going to be a long day and she didn't want to start it just yet.

* * *

Chuck walked out of the bathroom proud to see that Blair was already up, even if all she had done was vacated the bed to occupy the couch. He could see that it was at least some effort and at least on the couch her mind would be thinking instead of doing nothing besides sleeping. He continued to walk to the fridge picking out some grapes for Blair and a triple choc muffin for himself. Yes, even Chuck Bass ate muffins.

"Thanks," Blair mumbled as he placed the grapes in front of her. To Chuck, she was so cute, her eyes still hadn't fully opened and her hair was a bit messy but she didn't look like she had been in bed for days. It had been a week since their deal and most day's had been successful. He had stayed at home with her and even sometimes managed to get her outside for a walk on the good days. Naturally there had been one or days where Blair stayed in bed and did and felt nothing. She wasn't happy, perhaps not even okay but she was getting better.

"Do you have another appointment today?" Chuck asked taking a bite from the muffin causing it to crumble over his shirt.

"Yes."

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"No, I've asked someone else." Blair switched channels to Fashion TV which was previewing the best of New Yorks fashion week and she wondered quietly to herself how Waldorf Designs show went.

"Nate?" Chuck instantly jumped to the conclusion ignoring the fact that Blair wasn't really participating in the conversation at hand.

"What? No, I asked Serena. I haven't seen Nate for ages." She knew if Chuck was to be wary of anything he was wary of Nate. Nothing had changed over the years. "Oh well, I better go get ready."

"You have three more hours."

"Maybe I have other stuff to do before." Blair stood up placing the bowl in which her grapes were in down on the table and left to find some clothes. Chuck reached for his phone and made some calls, first to housekeeping who would definitely be in today and to the office saying that he would definitely be in today.

They left house together and Chuck wished Blair luck to which she returned a half smile. Chuck sighed, everything in their lives felt so flat even if Blair was making some improvements he still waited for something major to happen.

* * *

Blair stood outside her building. The doorman had changed in the time she had been at Chuck's. Wrapped in her warmest Burberry trench and scarf she stared up to the top floor. She did this for about ten minutes until someone else who lived in the building walked out and noticed her. The lower floor trophy wife approached Blair with a sympathetic smile.

"How are you, Darling?" She asked placing a hand on Blair's arm only to receive a glare.

"I'm fine."

"Are you going to go in or just stand out here in the cold?" She raised her perfectly plucked brows.

"Actually I was just leaving." Blair turned and walked down the street she didn't need to be a receiver of another sympathy act. She knew the woman would be hoping that Blair would never return and the apartment would sell. As she walked down into Park Avenue she felt stupid. She knew she wouldn't go inside the house so why did she just go and stand outside only to look like a fool.

A couple of hours past and Blair now waited outside the clinic hoping that Serena would come. Her appointment would start in a few minutes and she would have to go in with or without Serena. She regretted what she had said but at the time it felt so right and she felt she had to blame everything on Serena. Blair knew now that it was no one's fault and she could have had no control over it which was incredibly infuriating to her. She was Blair Waldorf, she should have all control and that was something she had none of right now. The few minutes left had past and Blair turned around to go into the building alone. She didn't know whether she was surprised or whether she had expected for Serena not to show.

"Good afternoon Blair, how are you feeling today?" Blair scooted back onto the couch annoyed by the question.

"A bit better, I've started to get some routine back into my life which is good. I know I said I would bring someone with me today but they didn't show." At that moment there was a knock on the door by the secretary.

"Miss Waldorf, Serena Van der Woodsen is here." She opened the door wider and there was Serena. She didn't look thrilled but she didn't appear to be murderous either.

"Blair, is this the person that was supposed to join us today?" McCulloch asked looking between Blair and Serena.

"Yes, she is." Blair smiled the tiniest bit as Serena walked in at sat on the other end of the couch.

"Hi, I'm Serena. The reason Blair's parents are dead, apparently." Blair's stomach tightened at Serena's sarcasm as she introduced herself to McCulloch.

"S, I was upset and I know that it wasn't your fault it was just that at the time in my head it seemed to be that way. Forgive and forget?" Blair pleaded.

"Blair, what you did was so cruel, why should I forgive you?" Serena turned to face Blair, she did want to forgive her but it wasn't going to happen that easily.

"Because… This is what we always do. Even though what I did may have been the worst so far, we always hurt each other. We're sisters and we know we can do this and the other will forgive us. Or at least we hope." Blair looked at the leather couch then back up to Serena. "Please?" McCulloch had been completely forgotten. "I don't have any parents and I really don't want to lose my sister as well."

Serena glanced over at the therapist it had seemed that Blair had made some progress meaning that perhaps here anger had died down somewhat. Amidst all of Blair's talk she had realised that Chuck was actually creating an influence on her. Blair looked decent and Serena began to feel guilty that she herself had no part in Blair's grieving. But perhaps it wasn't too late, maybe she still had time.

"I forgive you Blair but please… never again." Serena shook her head and moved over to hug her best friend who held her tightly in return.

"I'm so sorry, S." They broke off and Serena stayed for the rest of the session where McCulloch urged Blair to at least visit her home. The idea still gave Blair chills. She hadn't told anyone that she had made a half-hearted attempt that morning. The place would be haunted and she had no idea who had been there since she left. Would it be a mess or was someone cleaning it every week, slowly ridding the place of her parents' scent.

"If you want Blair, I could take you back?" Serena offered as they walked out into the winter sun. Blair thought about it, it would be a great step for them but there was someone else she knew who had to be there for this. The person who took her away should be the one to bring her back and she really was going to do it this time.

"I love you S, but I think I'll take Chuck, if that's okay." Blair winced, feeling she was already blowing off Serena.

"Oh, no that's fine. Well then how about we go shopping tomorrow? 5th Avenue had missed you." Serena smiled tilting her head convincingly.

"That sounds perfect." The two girls walked back to their places, the sunshine was just too good to miss. They made a plan for tomorrow but for majority of the time Blair's stomach was doing somersaults every time she thought about the house. It was going to be hard, very hard.

* * *

Chuck walked into his home a few minutes after Blair. The place was fresh and clean and he had had a productive day at work. Blair heard him walk in and she grew nervous she wanted to ask him to take her back home but she didn't know how and truthfully she didn't even know if she wanted to. It wasn't too late and the sun was only beginning to set putting on a fabulous winter show of colours.

He had sensed her nerves the moment he walked into the kitchen to find her staring out the window.

"I have to ask you something. I need your help." Blair said so quickly she wasn't sure if he had understood.

"What is it?" He came up and stood next to her happy that she was finally really asking for help.

"I need… I think I should go home." She continued to look out into the sunset.

"To stay?" He looked down at her he had been waiting for this.

"No, no, just to visit. I was there this morning but I just couldn't do it" Blair was nowhere near ready to stay there again. Chuck placed an arm around her, pulling her closer.

"When do you want to try again?"

"Now?" She wanted to get it over and done with.

Chuck kissed her head. "Okay, let's go." He practically had to drag her out and into the car but they were going to do this, now or never.

She was scared but Chuck was with her, acting as her shadow. Her stomach was tight as the elevator moved upwards. She willed it to go back down, she wasn't ready this wasn't the time! Chuck placed her hand in his and squeezed it.

"You're not alone." She looked up at him and he saw her frightened eyes. The elevator stopped and the doors opened. Chuck waited for Blair to walk out first. Everything looked the same as she slowly walked out into her house. Chuck followed cautiously behind her. Images flashed before Blair's eyes, images only she could see, of her mother running down the stairs clasping her pearls together whilst rushing to get ready for another event, her dad walking out of the kitchen calm and collected smiling, welcoming Blair home from school. She looked back at Chuck who smiled encouragingly. Taking one step at a time she conquered the stairs and pushed her parents' door open. The room still smelt like them and Blair's heart swelled. Chuck hadn't followed her up so she walked into the room alone. Her mother's jewellery lay in their velvet boxes and the perfume's neatly set so the sun doesn't get to them too much. Her dad's jacket hung over a chair in the corner, collecting dust like the crystal chandelier which hung above her head. She threw herself onto their large bed face down and allowed herself the breath in the scent left behind by her parents. It was like they had been still living there all this time. Chuck came up and joined Blair on the bed lying behind her. He could feel that she was holding something great inside. It was all there ready to come out.

He placed a hand on her shoulder. "Know that you're allowed to cry, Blair." He said so gently and it began. He couldn't see but he could tell at first by her body shaking and uneven breaths. Then she cried out loud, literally sobbing and he moved to hold her. He held her so tight and she let it all go. She could barely breathe as she held onto Chuck's arm all the pain had just come down on her but at the same time it all felt relieving. Tears blurred the photo of her smiling parents which sat on the bedside table in front of her. Chuck stroked her hair as her crying subsided and eventually her eyes could no longer stay open and she drifted to sleep with Chuck still holding her. He was so proud of her and soon, he knew, she would be smiling once again. After some time Chuck drifted to sleep as well, still holding Blair like a parent holds their lost child after a bad dream.

She didn't know how long they had been asleep for but it was now dark. She could have lay there with Chuck for longer but her side hurt so she slowly got up without waking up Chuck and walked into her room. Nothing had changed here either. Christmas wrapping paper lay in the corner from when she had wrapped all her gifts before leaving for Paris. She ran her hand along her dresser cluttered with all her treasures. Then she reached her desk where there sat an unfamiliar box. She lifted the lid to find a mass of sympathy cards, the one's she never read, save the one from school. She picked up the box and transferred it along with herself to her bed where she made herself comfortable and began to read through every single card. Some were from here in New York and others from afar but not one was the same like she had imagined. It was then that she remembered that her parents were creative people and therefore had creative friends. Blair, in a way, was thankful she hadn't read these till now, a time when she can actually appreciate the beautiful words written by beautiful people.

Outside it started to rain causing the snow to melt. Blair closed the box and walked over to her window to witness the sight. Somehow it reflected herself right now. Something new was washing away a part of her that she thought she would be stuck with forever. It gave her hope and let her know that one day she would be able to let all of this go with the wind and be Blair again. She heard Chuck enter the room but didn't turn around. He came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her petite stature. His touch had become her safety blanket, she was safe with him and he was her light at the end of the tunnel, her rain, melting away her fears and angst.

"Chuck?" She tilted her head to side causing him to instantly kiss her neck and hum in her ear, telling her to go on "I do love you." She felt his smile and turned around to kiss him like they had so many times in this room. These walls had seen everything and now they would see them come together again once more.

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Hello dear reader's I hope you all had a fantastic Christmas! Thankyou to the people who reviewed, you guys are what keeps this story going and also to the many people who have this on your story alert and favourite lists. Love you all! I hope you really liked this chapter I focused on trying to give you all more Chuck and Blair time (because who doesn't like that) please tell me what you think and have a great day.


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